In Search of Balance

Recently a friend of mine told me she was worried about me. At first I was like, why would she be worried about me? But this friend is very intuitive and much more in touch with her own feelings than I am, so I decided to take a little time for self-reflection. And I had to admit that 1) the last couple of years there have been so many changes in my life, it has been hard to feel stable and 2) I have been struggling for a long time with the fact that no matter what I do as a mother, a wife, an individual, I feel like I am letting someone else in the equation down. This leads to a tremendous amount of guilt (I've blogged about this before), which can at times leave me feeling depressed.

This friend also pointed out that I do a very good job of supporting what my husband wants or decides to pursue, but that maybe I'm putting my own desires on the back burner in the process. That is a fair statement. However, I do know that my husband would support me also, if I could just figure out what it is I really want to pursue and stick to a decision. I sometimes feel lost in motherhood, but this conversation made me realize that not only is it a gift to be with my children, but it is also a gift to have this time to do some exploring and find out who I truly am, who I want to become and be confident in showing that person to the world.

That leads me back to my original struggle: how do I find the time to experiment with writing and art yet still feel like I am being a good mother (i.e. not ignoring my children) and a good wife (i.e. keeping the house decent, not ignoring my spouse once the kids are in bed)? Well, I have actually had the answer for a long time, the trouble is I am not a morning person. Never have been, ask my mom. I didn't even want her to speak to me when I was getting ready for school in the morning, and she could forget about getting me to eat breakfast. Maybe it is time for that to change. There is one thing I could give up (or at least cut way back on) in my life that would not make me feel like I am sacrificing some essential part of myself: TV. If I wasn't staying up late to watch all my shows on DVR after my hubby has gone to sleep, I could probably get up at the same time as him. That would give me two whole hours before the kids get up! Part of the reason I writing about this is that I hope by putting it out into the blogosphere, I will feel more committed to following through. That is why people share their new year's resolutions or tell everyone they know about their weight loss plans--making it public makes it harder to give up.

This may seem like a small thing, but I think having balance in your life can lead to true happiness. And speaking of happiness, that same friend that was worried about me, also sent me the link to a great blog, a good + happy day. It is all about activities to do with your children and the simple joys of parenthood. When I visited this blog I was instantly struck by how much that is how I want to embrace life, like each day is going to be a good and happy day. I want my children to feel my excitement for life, my joy at being with them. I want to smile more and stress less! I hope everyone has a good + happy day, and I hope you all have friends who care enough to know when you just need someone to worry about you a little.