I Hate Christmas--Just Kidding...Sort Of..

For some reason this holiday season has seemed particularly hectic. Part of it, I know, is because I'm in charge of the office party for my husband's business. I spent half an hour at the register in Wal-Mart on Tuesday while the poor clerk rang up $1200 worth of gift cards that are to be handed out to the employees at the Christmas party. Meanwhile, my son is whining that he's hungry and wants to go McDonald's, and my daughter is insisting on being held, but still continuing to fuss. I gave in and took the kids to McDonald's because I still had to drag them to another store to exchange something because I bought the wrong size. I have to say that McDonald's is evil in the way they hook kids from a very young age. JoyBaby, who is not quite 16-months, mind you, saw the little Strawberry Shortcake dolls in the display case and started pointed and saying "ooh, ooh!" So then weak mother that I am, I got her a happy meal of her own so that she could get the stupid toy that she was tired of by the time we got to the car. Speaking of being weak, I actually used "you better be nice because Santa is watching" on ImagiKid. I cringe every time I hear parents say that, because 1) do we really only want our kids to be nice so they get presents? and 2) even if they aren't nice, isn't Santa going to come anyway? I don't know any parents who really wouldn't put anything under the tree from Santa and then tell their kids it was because they didn't behave.

But I digress. Back to why I am less then jolly this year. I think part of it is because I would really like to just enjoy the season and create all kinds of great memories and traditions with my kids, but instead I'm too worried about getting everyone the right present and worrying the whole time about how much money I am spending. I also get stressed out thinking about how much stuff my kids will get from everyone and where I am going to put it all. I am hoping that tomorrow when the office party is over that all the stress will just melt away. My husband and I are planning on taking the kids to look at Christmas lights, to the Campbell House, and maybe even for a carriage ride downtown this weekend. Who knows? Maybe I will get to create some great family memories afterall (if my kids can forgive me for being such a grouch and dragging them in and out of a million stores this past week).

Some food for thought:

http://www.forbes.com/business/2006/12/04/christmas-spending-breakdown-biz_cx_lr_1205christmas_slide_4.html?thisSpeed=15000

(a break down of how much and what Americans spent in 2006)

http://americanresearchgroup.com/holiday/

(what Americans plan to spend this year compared with the last 10 years)

http://www.more4kids.info/569/christmas-tips-to-reduce-stress/

(helpful tips on how to destress at Christmas)

Mommy Guilt Part 2

First, I was very excited to get posts on my blog since I am new to this whole experience. Second, I have been thinking about my last post and how it sounded a little, I don't know... shallow. Yes, I do a lot as a stay-at-home mom, but who doesn't? I know that my husband has no idea how busy I really am, but he is also extremely busy himself and has his own worries. I think the reason I feel the need to list all my accomplishments is because I get so little feedback as a stay-at-home mom. There is really no one to evaluate what kind of job I am doing, and I certainly don't get a raise for a job well done.

As for the guilt I feel, I don't think I explained it adequately. Yes, I do feel guilty for taking time for myself that I could be devoting to my children, but I think it is more than that. I think the core of my guilt comes from the fact that I do not feel completely fulfilled by just being a mom and wife. I feel the need to be more. Before I got pregnant with my first, I desperately wanted to be a mom and felt like that would make my life whole.

I never pictured myself staying-at-home full time until about halfway through my pregnancy when I started calculating how many hours a day my child would be in daycare versus with his parents. Then I factored in all the time he would be with us, but we would be doing chores, errands, etc., instead of really paying attention to him. My husband and I both realized it would not work for our family for both of us to work full-time after our son arrived. We have made lots of sacrifices, including leaving California to find a cheaper area to live in, but we have made it work financially. Now, the problem is, I fulfilled my desire to create a family, but I took away another part of me that was central to my identity.

And it's not just that I want to be more, it's that I let that desire take over my thoughts to the point that it spoils the times that I should be enjoying my children and turns me into a grouchy and resentful person. Guilt can be a nasty cycle too--first you feel guilty about some stupid thing which puts you in a rotten mood, then because of your crappy state-of-mind you do something else to feel guilty about, and so on.

Apparently, I am far from alone in my feelings and frustrations. For more on "mommy guilt" go to :

http://anndouglas.blogspot.com/2006/04/mom-university-debra-gilbert-rosenberg.html

(this is an interview with the author of a a whole book on mothers' guilt)

http://www.mommysavers.com/moms-coffee-break/release-mother-guilt.shtml

(this website has some helpful tips on how to cope with it and how to realize when it's healthy guilt vs. unhealthy guilt)

http://truemomconfessions.com/

(this website doesn't deal so much with guilt, but rather is a forum for moms to say what they are really feeling and realize that they are not alone--which can help relieve a lot of guilt)

Mommy Guilt

I was reading another blogger's posting about how every mother always feels guilty no matter what. How we always feel that we are not doing enough or that we're not doing the right things. This really hit home for me, because I get a sick feeling in my stomach just about every day thinking about whether or not I am really paying enough attention to my children. I feel guilty for checking my e-mail, trying to read an article in TIME or talking to a friend on the phone. It's not that I don't love playing, reading, creating, etc. with my children, because I find great joy in those activities, but not all the time. I need to do things that require some complex thought or that give me interaction with other adults or I would probably go insane. In an effort to feel less guilty, I have decided to write down my priorities as a stay-at-home mother and homemaker.
1) Feed them nutritious food, bathe them, put clean clothes on them, comb their hair, brush their teeth and otherwise take care of their basic physical needs
2) Make sure my children feel loved every day--hug them, kiss them, say "I love you", smile at them
3) Make sure my children feel important--spend time with them, listen to them, answer their questions, partake in their interests (even if that means pretending to be a superhero or playing with plastic dinosaurs on the train table)
4) Work with Joybaby on on her physical therapy
5) Take them to all their activities and appointments (preschool, physical therapy, soccer class, swimming)
6) Make sure the bills are paid, errands are run, important phone calls are made, important paperwork is filled out and basically make our home life run smoothly
7) Clean the house and teach my children some organization skills in the process, also do the grocery shopping and laundry, which make #1 above possible
8) Serve on two boards-one for our co-op preschool, the other for our family business and also fulfill my other duties associated with those positions

Whew!!! When I really write it all down like that, I really do a lot. Yes, I am patting myself on the back, but my point is that I accomplish most of those things on a regular basis, with housework getting the short end of the stick, so I should not feel guilty. My kids know they are loved and valued. JoyBaby is very happy and musical and social. ImagiKid is thoughtful and imaginative and loving. I am doing a good job and my kids get to be with their mom everyday!

By the way, check out http://www.salary.com/aboutus/layoutscripts/abtl_default.asp?tab=abt&cat=cat012&ser=ser041&part=Par481 to see what a stay-at-home mother is worth in dollars. There is even a link that allows you to make a "paycheck" and "pay stub" for yourself or another deserving mom.

P.S. Hereafter I will refer to my daughter as JoyBaby and my son as ImagiKid. I have wanted to keep their names annonymous on this blog and have found that other bloggers use cute nicknames to refer to their children and decided to adopt the habit myself.

Healthcare Crisis Hits Home ...or How To Avoid Your True Problems

This post was originally going to be about how I think I am getting ripped off by my health insurance company, until I really started doing the math. Recently, my 14-month-old daughter has started physical therapy. She has loose tendons and joints in her knees and ankles, making her feel unstable and preventing her from crawling or walking. Physical therapy costs about $200/visit or $800/month. My husband and I will have to pay a $1000 deductible before our insurance will kick in, and then the insurance will pay up to $1500. So, our daughter will receive about 2 months of "free" physical therapy, and then we will have to begin paying out of pocket again or relying on the state to help us with alternative sources of funding. This made me irate at first, until I realized that if the insurance company continued to pay for my daughter's therapy every month, they would be paying out the exact amount that we pay in each month for our entire family's health care coverage.

So I guess my anger should really be directed at the hospital that provides the physical therapy for charging such an exorbitant amount. I know the physical therapist doesn't make $200/hr and even if you figure in overhead, someone somewhere is making an awful lot of money off of our family's misfortune.

It seems like all we hear about lately is how our health care system is broken in this country. It seems like there are stories about it in the news everyday. It is easy to tune all that out after awhile, until it hits home. Here are a few quick facts:

• Health insurance for a family of four averages about $10,000/year
• The cost of health insurance as gone up 36% since 2000. Average earnings have gone up 12.4%
• There were 47 million uninsured people in this country in 2006

For further reading:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A55301-2004Sep27.html

http://www.familiesusa.org/

http://www.census.gov/prod/2007pubs/p60-233.pdf

In the interest of being honest with myself and others, I should admit that all this energy spent on being angry at the insurance companies, the health care system, etc. is probably a way to avoid dealing with the more important issue at hand. I am not sure how to cope with having a child that is not "normal." No one expects this to happen to them, at least I didn't. How do I deal with people who act surprised when I tell them how old she is? What if the physical therapy doesn't work? What if she doesn't develop normally in other areas? Is this somehow my fault? I don't want to seek out the answers to my questions yet, so I have spent my time reading up on the health care system in America.

Less Government

On Thursday I got a letter from the mother of a friend from college, let's call her Jan. My husband and I attended the same church as Jan and her husband "Dan" during college. They immediately started a family after college and now have four children. They visited us this summer, while Jan was still pregnant with their fourth child. They were obviously wonderful parents and their three girls appeared very happy and healthy. Okay, back to the letter: it stated that Jan and Dan's newborn son had not been able to gain weight after his birth, despite multiple visits to lactation consultants, dietitians, several pediatricians and a four day stay in the hospital. Recently, Jan and Dan decided to change pediatricians again in search of someone who could help them better understand all the different pieces of advice they've been given. When they cancelled their upcoming appointment with their current pediatrician he reported them to CPS. CPS then removed all four of their children from their home. The girls were returned to them after only a weekend, but their infant son has been in foster care for nearly a month. My husband and I are outraged that the government can come in and take a child away from his loving and capable parents at the suggestion of a doctor on an ego-trip.

A good friend of mine was recently surprised to find out that I generally vote Republican, even though many of my views could be considered liberal. This case is exactly the reason--I believe we need less government interference. If CPS could come and take away Jan and Dan's kids, they could take anybody's kids away. Parents should have the right to change their children's doctors and act in what they feel is the best interests of their children without fear of the government stepping in and ripping their babies from their homes.

My Fall Book Recommendations

Children's Books:

The Little Old Lady Who Was Not Afraid of Anything
by Linda Williams, illustrated by Megan Lloyd
This is a great book to read out loud while using instruments to make all the different sound effects.

The Little Scarecrow Boy
by Margaret Wise Brown, illustrated by David Diaz
A great story for little boys who look up to their daddies.

Five Little Pumpkins
pictures by Dan Yaccarino
A sweet poem for young children to learn and it lends itself well to hand motions.

Adult Books:

Dinner with Dad
by Cameron Stracher
Stracher tells the true story of his quest to eat with his family at least five nights a week and get his kids to eat something besides pasta pesto and macaroni and cheese.

The New Feminism

I have been a little obsessed with watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 on TLC lately. They have two six-year-olds and six 3-year-olds and Kate keeps a much cleaner house than mine. Sometimes I feel that since I am a stay-at-home mom my house should be perfectly organized and scrubbed. Why isn't my house neat and clean? Mainly because I choose to devote my time to my children rather than my house--I take them to the park, the library, the pool and participate in their co-op preschool with them. But also I choose not to devote the free time I do have to my house, instead I write (children's stories), read, spend time with my husband, correspond on e-mail or watch movies and tv shows that I enjoy. In other words, I try to do things that fulfill me as a person, which housework does not (my husband has sadly come to terms with this realization).

So, I started wondering about all the other modern stay-at-home mothers out there and how they spend their time and whether or not they feel fulfilled. Linda Hirshman, a well-known feminist, appeared on "Good Morning America" awhile back and basically said that all of us educated women that choose to leave the workplace to raise our children are a disgrace to the feminist movement and that we are failing womankind. She says that being a stay-at-home mother "does not sound particularly interesting or fulfilling for a complicated person, for a complicated, educated person." How big of an impact has the feminist movement had on how women feel about their roles as stay-at-home mothers? The view that many people seem to hold of mothers in the '50s and before is that they were blissfully happy to raise their families, put hot food on the table and keep immaculate houses, but is that true or did many of them want more? I would guess the latter, otherswise the feminist movement would have never happened in the first place.

It appears that women now have more choices, but still no clear answers. We have the ability, thanks to the feminists that went before use, to seek out careers and positions of power, yet many of us feel compelled to do the important work of raising our children. But then we are left feeling that all of our talents are not being utilized and maybe we have more to contribute to society. Hirshman believes that the next goal of feminists should be to reconstruct the family and the roles women play within it. However, thankfully there are people like Kim Clark, dean of the Harvard business school, who believe that businesses should be trying to get creative and find ways for women to raise their children while still working on a part-time basis until they are ready to return full-time. This should really be the next goal for the feminist movement: give women real choices, don't make them choose between a career and a family, let them do both--the world will be a better place for it.

For further reading on Linda Hirshman and her appearance on "Good Morning America" go to:

www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/10/08/60minutes/main648240.shtml

www.albertmohler.com/commentary_read.php?cdate=2006-02-24