Mommy Guilt Part 2

First, I was very excited to get posts on my blog since I am new to this whole experience. Second, I have been thinking about my last post and how it sounded a little, I don't know... shallow. Yes, I do a lot as a stay-at-home mom, but who doesn't? I know that my husband has no idea how busy I really am, but he is also extremely busy himself and has his own worries. I think the reason I feel the need to list all my accomplishments is because I get so little feedback as a stay-at-home mom. There is really no one to evaluate what kind of job I am doing, and I certainly don't get a raise for a job well done.

As for the guilt I feel, I don't think I explained it adequately. Yes, I do feel guilty for taking time for myself that I could be devoting to my children, but I think it is more than that. I think the core of my guilt comes from the fact that I do not feel completely fulfilled by just being a mom and wife. I feel the need to be more. Before I got pregnant with my first, I desperately wanted to be a mom and felt like that would make my life whole.

I never pictured myself staying-at-home full time until about halfway through my pregnancy when I started calculating how many hours a day my child would be in daycare versus with his parents. Then I factored in all the time he would be with us, but we would be doing chores, errands, etc., instead of really paying attention to him. My husband and I both realized it would not work for our family for both of us to work full-time after our son arrived. We have made lots of sacrifices, including leaving California to find a cheaper area to live in, but we have made it work financially. Now, the problem is, I fulfilled my desire to create a family, but I took away another part of me that was central to my identity.

And it's not just that I want to be more, it's that I let that desire take over my thoughts to the point that it spoils the times that I should be enjoying my children and turns me into a grouchy and resentful person. Guilt can be a nasty cycle too--first you feel guilty about some stupid thing which puts you in a rotten mood, then because of your crappy state-of-mind you do something else to feel guilty about, and so on.

Apparently, I am far from alone in my feelings and frustrations. For more on "mommy guilt" go to :

http://anndouglas.blogspot.com/2006/04/mom-university-debra-gilbert-rosenberg.html

(this is an interview with the author of a a whole book on mothers' guilt)

http://www.mommysavers.com/moms-coffee-break/release-mother-guilt.shtml

(this website has some helpful tips on how to cope with it and how to realize when it's healthy guilt vs. unhealthy guilt)

http://truemomconfessions.com/

(this website doesn't deal so much with guilt, but rather is a forum for moms to say what they are really feeling and realize that they are not alone--which can help relieve a lot of guilt)

Mommy Guilt

I was reading another blogger's posting about how every mother always feels guilty no matter what. How we always feel that we are not doing enough or that we're not doing the right things. This really hit home for me, because I get a sick feeling in my stomach just about every day thinking about whether or not I am really paying enough attention to my children. I feel guilty for checking my e-mail, trying to read an article in TIME or talking to a friend on the phone. It's not that I don't love playing, reading, creating, etc. with my children, because I find great joy in those activities, but not all the time. I need to do things that require some complex thought or that give me interaction with other adults or I would probably go insane. In an effort to feel less guilty, I have decided to write down my priorities as a stay-at-home mother and homemaker.
1) Feed them nutritious food, bathe them, put clean clothes on them, comb their hair, brush their teeth and otherwise take care of their basic physical needs
2) Make sure my children feel loved every day--hug them, kiss them, say "I love you", smile at them
3) Make sure my children feel important--spend time with them, listen to them, answer their questions, partake in their interests (even if that means pretending to be a superhero or playing with plastic dinosaurs on the train table)
4) Work with Joybaby on on her physical therapy
5) Take them to all their activities and appointments (preschool, physical therapy, soccer class, swimming)
6) Make sure the bills are paid, errands are run, important phone calls are made, important paperwork is filled out and basically make our home life run smoothly
7) Clean the house and teach my children some organization skills in the process, also do the grocery shopping and laundry, which make #1 above possible
8) Serve on two boards-one for our co-op preschool, the other for our family business and also fulfill my other duties associated with those positions

Whew!!! When I really write it all down like that, I really do a lot. Yes, I am patting myself on the back, but my point is that I accomplish most of those things on a regular basis, with housework getting the short end of the stick, so I should not feel guilty. My kids know they are loved and valued. JoyBaby is very happy and musical and social. ImagiKid is thoughtful and imaginative and loving. I am doing a good job and my kids get to be with their mom everyday!

By the way, check out http://www.salary.com/aboutus/layoutscripts/abtl_default.asp?tab=abt&cat=cat012&ser=ser041&part=Par481 to see what a stay-at-home mother is worth in dollars. There is even a link that allows you to make a "paycheck" and "pay stub" for yourself or another deserving mom.

P.S. Hereafter I will refer to my daughter as JoyBaby and my son as ImagiKid. I have wanted to keep their names annonymous on this blog and have found that other bloggers use cute nicknames to refer to their children and decided to adopt the habit myself.